The Saga of the European King
Chapter One: It Is Winter
By Tom McNally
Narrator:
It was a perfect day, just like every other day in Medieval Europe.
The King of Europe, who was this cool guy everybody loved, was fresh out of bed and standing on the balcony of his rad bedroom. He was wearing his most powerful dressing gown and eating a rare and expensive breakfast cereal that was sending his stats through the roof. He was looking out over the Kingdom of Europe with his eyes and also the special pair of eyes that were in the strongest of his hearts. These eyes were metaphorical.
He saw with all of these eyes that his kingdom was perfect, the day was perfect, and that something ought to be done with a day like that.
He called his sexiest page.
THE KING:
PAGE!
Page:
Yes, your badicalness.
THE KING:
WHO IS THE WISEST MAN IN THE KINGDOM?
Page:
c-Colonel Glowfist, sire.
THE KING:
COLONEL GLOWFIST, THE ARCHMAGE?
Page:
Yes, sire.
THE KING (over Page):
HE IS MY BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD AND CONSTANT COMPANION!
Page:
I know, sire.
THE KING (over Page):
BRING HIM TO ME, BRING ME MY BEST FRIEND!
Page:
Right away.
THE KING (over Page):
HE IS TOTALLY MAGIC!
Narrator:
The King’s sexiest Page found Colonel Glowfist in his treehouse at the bottom of the garden. It was only 10AM and Colonel Glowfist already had girls over.
Page:
Oh gosh, girls!
Colonel Glowfist:
Yeah, but don’t make a big deal about it or you’ll scare them off.
Page:
Okay, well (clears throat)
His badicalness the King seeks an audience with you in his rad bedroom.
Colonel Glowfist:
Gads! If I don’t get there immediately, I shan’t be his best friend any more. Girls, you’re dismissed. Out of my way, pageboy.
Narrator:
Colonel Glowfist climbed down the rope ladder, ran through the garden, smashed down the back door to the Kasteel van Laeken, and was in the King’s rad bedroom in no time at all. He used magic to do all this, because why the hell not?
THE KING:
COLONEL GLOWFIST, MY BEST FRIEND –
Colonel Glowfist:
Yes -
THE KING:
Colonel Glowfist:
It’s me.
THE KING:
WE HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER SINCE WE WERE BABIES!
Colonel Glowfist:
Yes, we have.
THE KING:
WE GO ON ADVENTURES AND WARS ALL OF THE TIME!
Colonel Glowfist:
We do.
THE KING:
WE WOULD HAVE BEEN DEAD A MILLION TIMES OVER IF NOT FOR YOUR MAGIC SPELLS AND YOUR ENORMOUS BRAIN!
Colonel Glowfist:
I do my humble duty by you, your –
THE KING:
GLOWFIST! WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH THIS PERFECT DAY WE SEE BEFORE US?
Colonel Glowfist:
What should we do today? That’s what you’re asking? Okay, well –
THE KING:
OH, YOU’RE USING YOUR ENORMOUS BRAIN RIGHT NOW, AREN’T YOU?
Colonel Glowfist:
I’m considering our options,
THE KING:
OH YOU ARE, I KNEW IT! YOU AND THAT HUGE, MEATY BRAIN OF YOURS!
Colonel Glowfist:
Why, it’s almost as big as yours.
THE KING:
THAT’S RIGHT! BUT MY BRAIN IS MORE WIRED UP FOR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE.
Colonel Glowfist:
We would overlook emotional intelligence at our peril. Now, as for today – isn’t today your son’s birthday?
THE KING:
PRINCE PRINCE?
Colonel Glowfist:
That’s what you named him, yes.
THE KING:
MY PRECIOUS AND ONLY HEIR, YES! A BIRTHDAY FOR MY BOY. HOW OLD IS HE NOW, LIKE, EIGHT?
Colonel Glowfist:
Six today, I believe.
THE KING:
WE SHALL HAVE THE SIXTH BIRTHDAY TO END ALL SIXTH BIRTHDAYS. WE SHALL HAVE IT ATOP THE FROZEN LAKE GENVAL!
Colonel Glowfist:
Outside? It’s a bit cold out, how about one of the greenhouses or the –
THE KING:
YOU’RE NOT THINKING EMOTIONALLY, GLOWFIST!
Narrator:
The King had spoken. He summoned the Palace staff and the Baron of Birthday Parties and told them what was required: A bouncing castle as big as a real castle, purple juice, plastic cups and paper plates stamped with colourful images of the King and his Adventure Friends on a war, a jelly-gun, two executions, a zip-line slide, and at least three hot dogs per person. Also, a table cloth that was easy to wipe clean.
Then the King released his Chief of Lawyers from his cage and told him that it had to be made illegal for anyone to not attend the Prince’s birthday party.
Everybody did what they were told and soon the Prince was found and delivered to his sixth birthday to end all sixth birthdays.
Prince Prince:
It’s cold outside, Pappa.
THE KING:
BUT ALL YOUR FRIENDS ARE HERE, WITH HOT DOGS!
Prince Prince:
Those are your friends!
THE KING:
THEY ARE THE BEST FRIENDS ANYONE COULD HAVE.
Prince Prince:
Nooo, Pappa.
THE KING:
MY SON. IT IS AGAINST THE LAW FOR ANYONE NOT TO COME TO THIS BIRTHDAY PARTY. I CAN’T MAKE AN EXCEPTION FOR YOU. WE HAVE TO OBEY THE LAWS OF EUROPE TOO, PERHAPS MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE HAS TO.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
Prince Prince:
No, Pappa.
THE KING:
NOW LET’S GET ON THE BOUNCY CASTLE, YAYYYY!
Narrator:
As the King led the Prince outside, a weird and crazy thing happened. Snow fell from the sky, a chill wind blew through the gardens and Prince Prince began to cry, right there in front of everyone.
The Prince’s crying got the King going, and his crying bar grew and grew, and then so mighty were his sobs that the frozen waters of Lake Genval cracked and the sixth birthday party – bouncy-castle, purple juice and all – sank below the surface. The King’s tears ran in a stream at his feet, and the stream filled the lake, and it never froze again. He held his son to his chest and they both wept until nightfall. Nobody was allowed to go home until he said so.
It was midnight when the King could summon the strength to lift his head and wipe his nose. He had defeated so many enemies of Europe, had met every challenge and obstacle, but even the King could be bossed about by Winter. The moon shone out of his eyes and everybody was afraid of him. He dismissed them with a word and melted into the darkness.
The King was not seen again for three days and his rad bedroom was closed to all. The people of Europe grew fearful and restless – perhaps this was the end of their perfect kingdom, perhaps it had all been too good to be true, perhaps the Vikings would return, or the Irish, or Terrorthaw, or any of the malign forces that the King had protected them from.
But then, at dawn on the third day, the King called a meeting of the Big Important Council of Europe. Dukes, Baronesses, Governors, Lords and Ladies, Archbishops, High Warlocks and Witch Elders, adventurers and warriors of the highest levels, all kinds of dudes and dudettes were summoned to court in Brussels. They arrived as quickly as they could, barely fitting inside the Grand Hall at the Kasteel Van Laeken.
Among them was Axe Axewound (the axe-battler), the King’s best friend, and Sally Minefield (the thief) who was both his best friend and Royal Head of Shipping. They took their places in the Grand Hall and sipped from plastic cups bearing the colourful images of the King and them on a war.
Sally Minefield:
I’m worried about the King, Axe.
Axe Axewound:
There’s no need to worry about him, Sally. No harm can come of the King, for my family is bound by blood-oath to kill him for what he did to our homeland. Until the day I decide to do my duty and kill him, he is safe.
Sally Minefield:
You never know the right thing to say.
Axe Axewound:
I’m not a mind-reader, Sally, I just say what I feel.
Sally Minefield:
What you need is more emotional intelligence, like the King.
Axe Axewound:
No, what I need is something to drink that isn’t ice-water! The sons of the Axewound Clan are invincible in battle, but even we feel the cold when it’s inside our bellies!
Sally Minefield:
The Grand Hall is usually so warm and welcoming… I don’t think the pinball machine is even working.
Axe Axewound:
Aye, dark days. And the waitress won’t catch my eye and bring me some ribs. Where is the King, what is this? I’ve a mind to break down those doors, end him and be through with it all!
Sally Minefield:
Axe, no!
Narrator:
Just in the nick of time, the King broke through those doors himself and sprinted into the hall and jumped up on the tables. He was followed by a legion of kitchen slaves and waitresses who lit the torches and fires, brought hot tea before everybody, took their orders for dinner and presented sizzling pig-meals as Hors d'oeuvres.
THE KING:
IS EVERYBODY WARM AND TOASTY?
EVERYBODY:
Yes!
THE KING:
DOES EVERYBODY FEEL THAT WINTER IS GONE AND HOPE CAN RETURN?
EVERYBODY:
Sure!
THE KING:
THEN THAT’S WHAT WE’RE GOING TO DO?
EVERYBODY:
What? What are we going to do?
THE KING:
WE’RE GOING TO KILL WINTER!
Narrator:
Everybody gasped.
End of chapter one.