Writer

Pronouns

You are editing

Your editor is

Title

1

Amelia Armande

they/them

Marina Crisp

Tom McNally

3.15 at the High Street HSBC

2

Joshua Crisp

he/him

Ella Brasington

Marina Crisp

Murder on the Dancefloor

3

Ella Brasington

She/her

Tom McNally

Joshua Crisp

The Consultation

4

Marina Crisp

she/her

Joshua Crisp

Amelia Armande

Re: Employee Fun Room Concerns

5

Tom McNally

he/him

Amelia Armande

Ella Brasington

Interrogation

The pressure sensors detected any footstep into the compound, measuring bodies down to the gram, assessing threat level. Easy enough to hack, then infiltrate. I was simply lying in weight.

I stepped on the scales and they cried

The pressure is crushing, and excludes all light and sound. I nestle in deeper and take comfort in the quiet.

To sate their fate they ate, tasting the waste on each plate, in haste, yet too late,
one had a balding pate and one prate on
About a scalding pâté.

Oh to be a thin film of metallic hydrogen on the surface of Jupiter. I sit so small, so mysterious, so unreachable. Wonder about me but I would tell them nothing.

Amelia Armande first draft

At the Bank

Screaming schoolchildren pool out of the gates and into the street. Some watch with wide eyes or laugh behind their hands, but most studiously ignore the translucent woman with pits for eyes and hair like a slab of slate, knocking furiously at the door to the bank.

They say that back in the 1800s the building had belonged to a cruel viscount. Vague stories about betrothed women going missing, and a mother or sister who never gave up the chase. Podcasters had examined the local myths and largely debunked them, so the ghost was mostly seen as embarrassing herself now. The bank could remove the door handle, but they haven't done yet. An unnecessary expense.

When you are finished:
Select 10 sample words from the draft (can be in any order and of any level of significance)

out

into

with

but

hands

cruel

going

them

and

or

Amelia Armande, your editor is:  Tom McNally

Help asked for: Title is a nonsense

115 words

Like the scenario

Lose 15 words - not the beginning?
Keep embarrassment and the main character

Screaming schoolchildren pool out of the gates and into the street. Some watch with wide eyes or laugh behind their hands, but most studiously ignore the translucent woman with pits for eyes and hair like a slab of slate, knocking furiously at the door to the bank.

They say that back in the 1800s the building had belonged to a cruel viscount. Vague stories about betrothed women going missing, and a mother or sister who never gave up the chase. Podcasters had examined the local myths and largely debunked them, so the ghost was mostly seen as embarrassing herself now. The bank could remove the door handle, but they haven't done yet. An unnecessary expense.

Tom McNally’s edits

Title: 3:15 at the high street HSBC

Like clockwork, the schoolchildren drift across the street. They form a muddy pool on the pavement outside and watch or laugh or simply ignore the translucent woman with pits for eyes and hair like a slab of slate, knocking furiously at the door to the bank.

Their headmaster often tells them that, back in the 1800s the building had belonged to a cruel viscount. Older children pass down more lurid stories, but outside investigators had debunked them all, so the ghost was mostly seen as embarrassing herself now. The bank wanted to remove the door handle but sentimentality among the local council advised against it.

Word count: 105

Amelia Armande second draft

3:15 at the High Street HSBC

Like clockwork, schoolchildren drift out of the gates and form a muddy pool in the street. Younger ones stare, some laugh, but most simply ignore the translucent woman with pitted eyes and hair like a slab of slate, knocking furiously at the door to the bank.

The story goes that, back in the 1800s, the building had belonged to a cruel viscount. Investigative journalists had debunked the legends of murdered brides in 1993, so the ghost was mostly seen as embarrassing herself now. The bank wanted to remove the door handle but sentimentality among the local council advised against it.

Word count: 100

its

like

always

in

gloopy

Joshua Crisp your editor is:  Marina Crisp

Helped asked for: Don’t like it, too obvious, Suggest another idea. Don’t like the direction it has gone in - Route one!

Propose ten alternative stories. Keep the gloop.

Marina Crisp’s edits:

Alternate idea – the fall of the tower of Babel /Entering Hell/ Rollercoaster gone wrong

• I think it’s funny and good! I almost went that way but didn’t because I saw you dancing- it’s not too obvious at all!
• Maybe instead of “teens” you can say “youth” and “adults” so it’s less obvious. But the tuck shop stuff is super fun so potentially re-order the sentences. So then have teen and teacher come later on.

• Add the stench of Lynx (Africa?)
  
• Also I think there were seven hammer beats each time, so maybe add in that new beats are almost 7/4 but that they know how to dance to it/new sacrificial time signature

Word count:

Joshua Crisp SECOND DRAFT

Murder on the Dancefloor

A furious sweat of pent-up rage and Lynx Africa misted the floor. The youths, buzzing on tuck-shop fizzy-laces, lilt and repressed hormones drove the adults into the middle of the hall. Hammering away with collages, and paper-mache class-projects.

The pounding beat from age-appropriate music muffled the grown-ups’ screams for mercy. Blood glowed in purples and gloopy neons as the disco reached its fervor. Then the macarena came on.

When the last of the librarians had been dragged, crying to the corpse-pile and the P.E. teachers had been strung up with netball-bunting, the parents arrived to pick up their darlings.

Word count: 100

Ella Brasington first draft

The Consultation

The brass knockers hammering against the great hall’s doors reverberates inside the mind of the Speaker. They weren’t ready. A flurry of panicked pedallers wash between the columns; fabrics shimmer and fly. The knocking never stops. Feet dance in silken slippers, the marble simultaneously speeding and slowing their progress. The drums begin. Deep breath, pillows plumped, throws draped, grapes at the ready. The oaken doors fly open and the palanquin is lowered. The consultation is about to begin.

Word count: 78

When you are finished:
Select 10 sample words from the draft (can be in any order and of any level of significance)

pedallers

slippers

reverberates

plumped

draped

palanquin

Speaker

flurry

shimmer

grapes

Ella Brasington, your editor is: Joshua Crisp

Help asked for:
Quite ambiguous, Like that, Too short, Needs more, ironically the doors are shut, But in the narrative, need to keep them open. Add more meat without being too explicit

Joshua Crisp’s edits: Okay, tell me more about the speaker. He’s the only character we see directly.

I love the ambiguity, but want to know more about the STAKES. What’s going to go wrong if they’re not ready?

First sentence is too convoluted, maybe change to something like…

The hammering of brass reverberates inside the mind of the Speaker. The knocker against the doors to the great hall. Again. And again. They weren’t ready…

All your pedallers, fabrics, dancing, etc is great - change nothing. Maybe it could be expanded. “The knocking never stops” is a phrase you can re-use.

The oaken doors fly open up to the ending is good, but it feels like we could use a calm before the storm? The doors open too suddenly - we’re all prepared so give us a pause beforehand, maybe add some ceremony to it.

Ella Brasington SECOND DRAFT

The Consultation

The hammering of brass reverberates inside the mind of the Speaker. The knocker against the doors to the great hall. They weren’t ready… A flurry of panicked pedallers wash between the columns; fabrics shimmer and fly. The knocking never stops. Feet dance in silken slippers, the marble simultaneously speeding and slowing their progress. The knocking never stops. Pillows plumped, throws draped, grapes gingerly placed. The Speaker indulges in a brief glance into the abyss. They signal, exhale and set the pool of oil alight. The oaken doors fly open and the palanquin is lowered; The consultation is about to begin.

Word count:

Marina Crisp first draft

Working title

Employee Mindfulness

Word count: The new workplace “take-a-break room” was really something, but bathsheba wasn’t certain that “something” wasn’t certain death. The Hammer Swing looked fun, but as it smashed by people back and forth into the the Human Resources wall she couldn’t help thinking that maybe it should have been made of foam, not steel. Similarly, the “Hop or Drop” aspect of moving floorboards might be fun - but as the ground suddenly chasmed she did wonder where those screaming employees plunged to. Bathsheba couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe they wanted to discourage taking meditation breaks at all. Tesco’s had really changed.

When you are finished:
Select 10 sample words from the draft (can be in any order and of any level of significance)

Steel

Plunged

Discourage

maybe

certain

Drop

Breaks

smashed

floorboards

Swing

Marina Crisp, your editor is: Amelia Armande

Bath name alternatives - Janet? Charlie? Dana? Monique?

Is Bath the creator of this room, a staff member who’s being pressured to use it, or a boss who’s overseeing? I feel like any of these specific roles could lead to a more fun thread through the scene. I like the idea rather than a meditation room, that this is a FUN room designed by Corporate to be FUN and EXCITING and UPBEAT and ENCOURAGING PLAYFUL CREATIVITY and staff use is sort of mandatory.

Could this be a letter? An email? At the moment the language feels very couched, but I think putting that into an email format might make that quite funny.

So we’ve got Hammer Swing, Hop and Drop, and option 3: Meditation Pool that you drown in, Ping Pong with lethal pneumatically fired balls, Darts Board similar, Giant Slide that leads out of the side of the building to…somewhere. Ball Pool with no bottom.

Marina Crisp SECOND DRAFT

RE: Employee Fun Room Concerns

Dear Dana,

As to your point that the new workplace “take-a-break-room” was really something, I agree, but that something seems to be probable retirement from life.

Although 20ft Hammer Swing et al looks fun, it has as of today’s opening, smashed Human Resources employee Derek through said HR department’s glass wall. Perhaps you could reconsider recrafting it from foam, not steel?

 Similarly, although I see the heart-elevating idea behind the“Hop or Drop” aspect of unexpected floorboard slides might be fun - but sudden ground chasms have swallowed four employees with no sign of where they resurface?

Love the enthusiasm! Keep the ideas rolling!

Thank you,

Chris

Word count: 106

Tom McNally FIRST DRAFT

In the back of the van

She raised her voice to be heard over the wailing.
“You’ve got to look at it from our perspective,”

“Look at my hand! It’s swelling up!”

“Your hand will be fine. When you ran we thought you was making trouble.”

“I wasn’t! Ouh fuck my fingers!”

“Why did you run?”

“Help me! Someone!”

“We are helping you.”

“Someone please!”

“If you’re not going to cooperate I’ll send for my colleague and then you’ll be wasting two officer’s time.”

Word count: 78

10 sample words from the draft (can be in any order and of any level of significance)

fingers

wasting

perspective

wailing

help

run

why

cooperate

swelling

over

Tom McNally, your editor is: Ella Brasington

Help asked for:

-dialogue but no ending

-underweight

- doesn’t have to be a dialogue

Needs a sting in the tail. Names? Description? Register may not be the most appropriate. Needs title.

Is the officer a bee? If not, why not - maybe they should be.

I’m not sure what the narrative is exactly - but I think it could be a perceived hive heist - a heivst gone wrong?

Maybe the woman is a bear?

I think the exclusive use of dialogue is a good choice, you can add another few lines of dialogue in here:

“Your hand will be fine. When you ran we thought you was making trouble.”

“I wasn’t! Ouh fuck my fingers!”

“Why did you run?”

And use that space to add some description.

If they are bees then the sting in the tail can bee the hammering thrum of the bee cavalry coming to provide back up. A literal sting in the tail haha!

Tom McNally SECOND DRAFT

Interrogation

The patrol officer raised her voice to be heard over the wailing.
“You’ve got to look at it from our perspective,”

“Oh shit my hand’s swelling up!”

“Your hand will be fine. When you ran we thought you was making trouble.”

“I wasn’t! Ouh fuck!”

“Why did you run?”

“Help me! Someone! Please!”

“If you’re not going to cooperate I’ll send for my colleagues and then you’ll be wasting a lot more of our resources.”

The woman veered into M&S and locked herself in the toilet. The swarm of bees lurked in wait for her by the seasonal jumpers.

Word count: 100