Writer

Pronouns

Editing for

Title

1

Amelia Armande

they/them

Fran Bushe

Squeaky Wheel

2

Joshua Crisp

he/him

Paul Davies

Send in the clowns

3

Paul Davies

he/him

Tom McNally

In the Bathyscaphe

4

Fran Bushe

She/her

Joshua Crisp

A Cautionary Tale for the Fearfully Flatulent

5

Tom McNally

he/him

Amelia Armande

The Vortex

Round and round the drum turns, foaming up. Winter falls across the lathered land within the washing machine. Thousands die in the ensuing famine that decimates the year's sock crop.

Build me a road to the stars, with a pedestrian crossing, a bridge to the future that’s wheelchair accessible,  a cyclepath from cradle to grave,

…Why the hell is this not how I think it should be just because I cannot answer why the hell is this not how I think it should be…

It is Day 28 my friend, tread careful, speak soft, be gentle. It is Day 28 my enemy, Run!

The mantle burps up hydrogen. The rocks spit out carbonate. The sea glues the burps and the spits into sweet vomit. When the sweet vomit is shaken it becomes life.

Amelia Armande first draft

Working title

First draft

The catering trolley has one wobbly wheel. It was sent there by a rival train company. It has its orders. It knows its mission.

At the end of the carriage, the door opens into a brief scream of wind and light between one carriage and the next. This is what the squeaky wheel was made for. It dives down into a small gap, lodging as though it was meant to be there. Perfect.

The tepid tea and overpriced snacks arc gracefully into the air, snatched away in a moment, lost in the smooth blur of horizon. Mission accomplished.

1. Trolley
2. Wheel
3. Rival
4. Mission
5. Carriage
6. Scream
7. Gap
8. Perfect
9. Tea
10. Horizon

Word count: 98

Amelia, your editor is:  Tom McNally

Tom McNally’s edits

Title
98 words
Dramatically ridiculous
Half the words are unwanted


The catering trolley has one wobbly wheel. It was sent there by a rival train company. It has its orders. It knows its mission.

At the end of the carriage, the door opens into a brief scream of wind and light between one carriage and the next. This is what the squeaky wheel was made for. It dives down into a small gap, lodging as though it was meant to be there. Perfect.

The tepid tea and overpriced snacks arc gracefully into the air, snatched away in a moment, lost in the smooth blur of horizon. Mission accomplished.

Title:

Suggestions:
Mention the name of the rival company. Eg. LNER and SouthWestern
Start with the rival company placing or perfecting the squeaky wheel.
Title could then be ‘squeaky wheel’

Once the agent is deployed, cut straight to the screams of wind and light. Put some more carnage in there, but keep the reality of the trolley just falling over.

Cuts suggested in-line above

Expand ‘Mission Accomplished’ with champers being uncorked at the rival company.

Word count:

Amelia Armande second draft

Squeaky Wheel

The SouthWestern Rail catering trolley has one wobbly wheel. It was painstakingly designed, placed there by a sleeper agent from LNER.

The connecting door of the carriage opens. A brief scream of wind and light between one carriage and the next. This is all routine - but this is what the wheel was created for.

Down it dives into a lone innocuous gap. It lodges and locks. Seamless. Perfect.

The tea urn explodes open. Napkins rip into the wind. Overpriced snacks arc gracefully into the air, snatched away into the smooth blur of horizon.

In a distant executive office, champagne pops.

Word count: 100

Joshua Crisp FIRST DRAFT

Send in the clowns

The cartilage tumbler gyroscoped wildly, suspended above the silent circus. Another clown, crying on the inside, screaming on the outside was forced at lionpoint into the grinding sphere, where first his oversized shoes and normal sized toes were torn apart, then his vibrant trousers and colourful insides were sluiced and blended. His flower and arteries sprayed their last, and both noses turned a bright and bloody red. The rattling cages slowed and dripped with thick face-paint and viscera. The bones collected in the sieve. The crowd clapped. once.

Word count: 88

10 sample words from the draft (can be in any order and of any level of significance)

1.Suspended

2.Flower

3.Trousers

4.Bright

5.Normal

6.Sieve

7.Crowd

8.Cages

9.Cartilage

10. Screaming

Joshua Crisp your editor is: Fran Bushe

Fran Bushe’s edits
What the hell have I written?
I think you’ll get it…
Why?
What is the point

I’m so sorry, I totally misunderstood what the cartilage tumbler was and then I understood what it was FAR TOO LATE

The cartilage tumbler gyroscoped wildly, suspended above the silent circus. Another clown, crying on the inside, screaming on the outside was forced at lionpoint into the grinding sphere, where first his oversized shoes and normal sized toes were torn apart, then his vibrant trousers and colourful insides were sluiced and blended. His flower and arteries sprayed the crowd, and both noses turned a bright and bloody red. The rattling cages slowed and dripped with thick face-paint and viscera. The bones collected in the sieve. The crowd clapped. once.

Joshua Crisp SECOND DRAFT

Send in the clowns

The cartilage tumbler gyroscoped wildly, suspended above the silent circus. Another clown, crying on the inside, screaming on the outside was forced at lionpoint into the grinding sphere. Oversized shoes and normal-sized toes were torn apart, then his colourful trousers and even-more-colourful  insides were sluiced and blended. His button-hole-flower and arteries sprayed their last, and both his noses turned a bright and bloody red. The rattling cages slowed and dripped with thick face-paint and viscera. Larger bones clattered in the sieve. A hushed count from the ringmaster. "Thirteen! One-three, thirteen!" Silence, then:

"Bingo!"

Bingo started crying. He was up next.

Word count: 100

Paul Davies FIRST DRAFT

In the Bathyscaphe

In the bathyscaphe, together, we watched for the hour.

The pedalling commenced. All four of us stepped over and over, quietly intent. The little drops of sweat gathering at our temples were matched, as the machine sank deeper, by the gathering condensation in the corners of the vessel. The hull moaned. We gathered our pace, ensuring we pushed through the membrane below us. Then we were through. No-one needed to announce it: we’d trained for this. Calmly we let the last several metres freewheel: down; down; down. We paused, expectantly, in the gloom.

And from the darkness, the whales became.

Word count: 100

10 sample words from the draft (can be in any order and of any level of significance)

1. bathyscaphe

2.sweat

3.vessel

4.condensation

5.moaned

6.membrane

7.trained

8.freewheel

9.down

10.gloom

Paul Davies, your editor is: Joshua Crisp

Keep the title as 'In the Bathysphere', tighten the first line. Maybe "huddled" or "Cramped", or just 'we watched for the hour.'

SOme indicator that the hour has come maybe? A bell? Even "It came. THe pedalling commenced"

I love "All four of us stepped over and over, quietly intent."

My snip for the next bit is:

Condensation gathered on the thick portholes. sweat gathered at our temples. The machine sank deeper, The hull moaned and we gathered our pace.

Make more of the membrane moment. "We strained," or something. Our legs pushed, or ached or whatever. Remind us we're working by pedal power.

I don't like no-one needed to announce it, we'd trained for this. It seems too explainy. If no-one needed to announce it, you don't need to tell us.

I like all of the rest of it. It's strong.

MAIN NOTES:

Tell me more about the membrane, and maybe add some danger/threat to it? Make it mean something more. Because the whales bit is sufficient reward.

Word count: ??

Paul Davies SECOND DRAFT

100 words second draft (highlight for wordcount)

In the Bathyscaphe

In the bathyscaphe, together, we watched tensely for H-hour.

The pedalling commenced. All four of us stepped over and over, quietly intent. The droplets of sweat gathering at our temples were matched, as the machine sank deeper, by the gathering condensation in the thick portholes of the vessel.

The hull moaned. We gathered our pace, straining to push through the membrane below us. The gelatine layer tensed; and then we were through. We’d trained for this. Calmly we let the last several metres freewheel: down; down; down. We paused, expectantly, in the gloom.

And from the darkness, the whales became.

Word count: 100

Fran Bushe FIRST DRAFT

Working title: A Cautionary Tale for the Fearfully Flatulent (I’m a farty girl in a farty world)

The tremble was felt across the land, pigeons fled, bankers removed bowler hats certain war had begun!

But you see, in truth a bride on her wedding night had been ill advised: ‘Keep it clenched, keep that gas in, do not allow your cheeks to part…you’ll lose your husband if you fart’

The poor young bride did not emit for months and months: her stomach bloated, fingers swelled, eyes began to bulge until…

The richter scale measured 8.5 that day. A body can only hold so much gas you see and she was at capacity

Word count: 95

10 sample words from the draft (can be in any order and of any level of significance)

1. Tremble

2.Clenched

3. Emit

4. Bulge

5.capacity

6. Allow

7. Advised

8. 8.5

9. Night

10. War

Fran Bushe, your editor is: Amelia Armande

Amelia Armande’s edits

Fairy tale type vibe
Write it all in rhyme?
More rhyme please - cheeky tale

Ok, here’s some clunky versifying

The tremble was felt across the land,

People sighed with hats in hand

Families from their homes did run

certain war had just begun!

A bride somewhat paralyzed

On her wedding night was ill-advised

Do not allow your cheeks to part

You'll lose your husband if you fart

Her stomach bloated fingers swelled

And yet for months the gas she held

The inner turmoil bulged her skin and still

She held the vapour in

until

The richter scale hit 8.5. that day

A body

Can only hold so much gas, you see

and she was at capacity

Word count: 91???

Fran Bushe SECOND DRAFT

A Cautionary Tale for the Fearfully Flatulent

The tremble was felt across the land,

Postmen gasped with hats in hand

Families from their homes did run

certain war had just begun!

A bride somewhat paralyzed

On her wedding night was ill-advised

Do not allow your cheeks to part

You'll lose your husband if you fart

Her stomach bloated fingers swelled

And yet for months the gas she held

The inner turmoil bulged her skin

 and still

She held the vapour in

We hit  8.5. on the Richter scale that day,

On this sunny morn in may.

A body

Can only hold so much gas, you see

and she was at capacity

Word count: 105

Tom McNally FIRST DRAFT

Working title

Mo was assured that investments of the make-a-wish foundation into cutting-edge technology would pay dividends for his final request.

Shortly after Mo died, the Vortex ride at Thorpe Park underwent extensive make-a-wish renovations. Two months after Mo’s funeral, it reopened to great fanfare. The park was booked solid for years ahead.

Mo loved every second of it. Every plunge, every plummet, every kid who was sick on his rails. He grinned invisibly at every photo capture and lived vicariously through the laughs and cheers of every child who rode on his perfect new form.

Word count: 94

10 sample words from the draft (can be in any order and of any level of significance)

1. died

2. Vortex

3. renovations

4. fanfare

5. kid

6. vicariously

7. plummet

8. capture

9. rails

10. funeral

Tom McNally, your editor is: Paul Davies

Paul Davies’s edits

Okay – it does need more explanation – maybe just a little. Maybe we need more about Mo before the start and why he died; maybe we need a bigger hint about the ‘cutting-edge technology’?

(EDIT: I wasn’t familiar with/clear enough about the nature of a ‘Make-A-Wish’ foundation.)

You’ve only got six words, so good luck. In particular, at the moment it could read as supernatural, or as technological. I think it’s supposed to be the latter, and if so, needs a cut/edit to fend off the first?

Perhaps you can use a title to secure the appropriate reading? Or if you do it in 100 words, then the title can be more oblique. I’m not secure enough about what you want to suggest one.

Do you need past perfect at the start to help with the POV? (Mo had been assured…)

Do you need the extra tech/spiritual detail between the second and third paragraph?

Tom McNally SECOND DRAFT

The Vortex

Mo had been assured that investments of the make-a-wish foundation into cutting-edge technology would pay dividends for his final request.

Shortly after Mo died, the Vortex ride at Thorpe Park underwent extensive make-a-wish renovations. Two months after Mo’s funeral, it reopened to great fanfare. Mo was ready to receive his wish and ascend.

And he loved every second of it. Every plunge, every plummet, every kid who was sick on his rails. He grinned invisibly at every photo capture and lived vicariously through the laughs and cheers of every child. He got to ride the Vortex forever, as the Vortex.

Word count: 100