Warm-up - no wordcount, no title, prompt is: ‘empirical’

We want ‘empirical’, we want the truth, but it’s a truth we cannot have, because there is no ‘the truth’. ‘Empirical’ is a cover for the underlying ‘theoretical’: theory that is prior to data collection, theory that governs the empirical, theory that interprets the empirical, theory within which and around which the empirical is sought, an actual thinking-about-things for which ‘empirical’ is neither substitute nor excuse.

Warm-up - no word count, no title, prompt is: ‘empirical’

Write here

A seven minute bath is just long enough to peel off a plaster from a vaccination scar on your arm. You must time it on your phone, but you must not drop the phone in the bath. This is because it will invalidate the workings of the vaccine. I know this because I just tried it. My hair is wet and I am not suffering from whooping cough. You can draw your own conclusions about whether or not I dropped the phone.

Warm-up - no word count, no title, prompt is: ‘empirical’

Through it all, she knew it had to be possible. Everything was calculable. This was just taking time. And children. She’d gone through all the children she could find by adoption or theft and organised their pain. Counted their tears. By volume. By saline content. Counted their screams by decibel of bawling, by propinquity of pain. It had taken weeks of intensive electro-shock therapy, but it was finally there: She had quantified sorrow. It was measured in dolors.

Warm-up - no wordcount, no title, prompt is: ‘empirical’

Empire! That great and fractured mistress, that pile of corpses upon which we build our factories. What is it to be of empire? What is it to be empirical? What storm trooper costumes must we garb our persons with, to prove that we exist, to prove that we are valid and of productive work to our lace-ridden, bejewelled overlords? For that which is not part of empire ceases to exist, it is not valid, it is not funded, it is cast into the flames that heat the furnaces of state-approved manufacture. What does an empire see? Who are its eyes? Empire, the spider-master weaving threads, each successive minion another blinking orb in the smoky darkness of its unrelentingly green and pleasant lands.

Warm-up - no wordcount, no title, prompt is: ‘empirical’

The prompt is ‘Empirical’ and I am certain that by writing this I am probably showing empirical evidence that I might have forgotten what empirical means. It’s a derivative of empire but also means experienced doesn’t it? If so I am empirical in whatever field it is I have chosen to have gained empirical experience. Oh hang on doesn’t that essentially mean I’m saying I have gained experienced experience. That makes no sense. Am I showing severe ignorance here. Am I even a writer? Hello imposter syndrome. Come in, I’ll put the kettle on.

PAUL DAVIES FIRST DRAFT

100 words first draft (press ctrl/cmd + shift + c for wordcount)

The machine. Tiny men in the machine. They escort the machine. It moves, it haunts, it seeks. It targets.

You’re a small man in the machine. Everything is bigger than you. You’ve got no eyes, you’re just moulded plastic. Sorry. You’re tasked with doing something; you’re wearing a uniform. You know not what. Sorry.

The machine has tracks. The machine does not stop for long. You must keep up with the machine. Is it going to hurt someone? Really?

Are we serious about the machine? Is it okay, just a joke? Is it safe? Is it safe? Is it safe?

Paul, your editor is: Claudia Treacher

Suggested edits:

The first two words are either your title, or if not, then you should delete them. Should the second line be “are in” rather than just “in”? It was jarring to read and made it unclear what  the sentence was doing. The other sentences are more consistent. I love the shift in the second section, it was genuinely surprising! And in an age of the internet, very little surprises us any more, so this was pleasing to me. The questions at the end are good, but extra part about the joke I think throws it. Either make the joke a separate question, change it to make it more clear about why it would be that, or cut it out. The repetition at the end is marvellous. I love this work.

PAUL DAVIES SECOND DRAFT

100 words second draft (press ctrl/cmd + shift + c for wordcount)

The machine.

Tiny men in the machine. They escort the machine. It moves, it shadows, it seeks. It targets.

You’re a small man in the machine. Everything is bigger than you. You’ve got no eyes, you’re just moulded plastic. Sorry. You’re tasked with doing something; you’re wearing a uniform. You know not what. Sorry.

The machine has tracks. The machine does not stop for long. You must keep up with the machine. Is it going to hurt someone? Really?

Are we serious about the machine? Is it okay, just a bit of fun? Is it safe? Is it safe? Is it safe?

CLAUDIA TREACHER FIRST DRAFT

100 words first draft (press ctrl/cmd + shift + c for wordcount)

The Freon and the Shot

The photographer lay there, poised in the bushes, a small glint of lens just visible through the foliage. Her fingers twitched as a white van pulled up on the side of the road, and two men got out. The men shared furtive glances around the apparently deserted stretch.

They slid the doors of the van open and hauled out a rusty looking fridge: liquid freon dripping along the edge. With a hefty swing, the fridge was thrown across the lip of the road and into the hedge. The photographer made her shot. An unbearably loud click caught the mens’ attention.

Claudia, your editor is: PAUL

I love the title. It works. I love your titles generally.

Paragraphing? Break it up a little more?

Go for rusted fridge rather than rusty-looking? That gives you a spare word somewhere if you need it. Maybe just ‘with liquid freon’. I like the word ‘freon’.

Avoid the passive ‘the fridge was thrown’? The men did it, right?

Kerb or edge rather than ‘lip’ of the road? Lip’s okay if you want it.

It’s open ended. I’m not quite sure what the situation is. Is the photographer covertly capturing fly-tipping, or pollution? Much as I like the title, you could use it to let us know a little more clearly if you want to.

I’m not quite sure what to expect to happen next, but I think the men will want to find her to destroy the evidence…?

CLAUDIA TREACHER SECOND DRAFT

100 words second draft (press ctrl/cmd + shift + c for wordcount)

The Freon and the Shot

The photographer lay there, poised in the bushes, a small glint of lens just visible through the foliage. Her fingers twitched as a white van pulled up on the side of the road, and two men got out, sharing furtive glances around the apparently deserted stretch. The men slid the doors of the van open and threw out a fridge with liquid freon dripping along the edge. It tumbled across the bank of the roadside.

The photographer made her shot. The noise of the shutter caught their attention. The men turned, menacing, and started towards the barrel of the lens.

JOSHUA CRISP FIRST DRAFT

100 words first draft (press ctrl/cmd + shift + c for wordcount)

The Algorithm

It tightened the bolts and tweaked the screws

Ratchet and click and buzz and whirr

Synthetic hands made shuddering clicks

And rattled the keyboards, typing a blurr

The algorithm’s magic mix

To Franken-author untrue news.

The internet sites uploaded the lies

React and vote and like and share

The misinformation spread through the world

To poison a populace unaware

And even as the ‘news’ unfurled

Outrage outpaced their surprise

And so it goes and ever will

The big-tech, low-brow, magic spell

That even now is tighter-tuned

To keep our focus and

Josh, your editor is:  Alex Lynch

Maybe change it to ‘it tightens the bolts and tweaks’, having it in present tense might be more effective as it feels more like you’re conveying this happens now rather than has happened.

Maybe, take out the ‘ands’ so it’s react, vote, like, share. Punchier.

The actual rhymes are great, no need to change them. The last paragraph could echo the end of the first either by repeating the whole two lines or else making  it the alogrithm’s (something) else and Franken author’s (something else).

JOSHUA CRISP SECOND DRAFT

100 words second draft (press ctrl/cmd + shift + c for wordcount)

The Algorithm

It tightens bolts and loosens screws

Ratchet, hum and buzz and whirr

Synthetic hands make shuddering clicks

And rattle keyboards, typing a blurr

The algorithm’s magic mix

To Franken-author untrue news.

The internet sites uploaded the lies

React and vote and like and share

Alternative facts spread through our minds,

And poison a populace unaware

But to this crime, our eyes are blind:

Outrage outpaces our surprise

The time we could have stopped it, went.

This high-tech, low-brow, magic spell

That even now is tighter-tuned

To keep our focus and to tell

The algorithm’s magic runes

To Franken-facture our consent

AMY SUTTON FIRST DRAFT

100 words first draft (press ctrl/cmd + shift + c for wordcount)

Toybox

The designer of the space station had been inspired by the writings of ancient children's books from the planet Earth, and the place was a nightmare of whirring silicon machines spliced with old flat-screens, DVD players, and other pre-offworld tech. Where a captain's deck should have been, was a giant paperleaf book, easily big enough to use as a table, hologram pages flicking endlessly through the dust motes in the air. In the wall cavities, a model of a giant earth cat in purples and pinks spooled pre-internet tape sadly from its mouth, and along the floor an enormous crocodile clacked its plastic jaws together, the vaccuum extension long since fallen away.

Amy, your editor is:  Joshua Crisp

Suggested edits: You can lose ‘From the planet Earth, and’ and replace it with a Full stop.  Replace ‘where a captains deck should have been was’ with: ‘The captain’s desk was’ and lose ‘easily big enough to use as a table’’

That’s sixteen words saved. GIves you four more to play with. It’s really fun, maybe try and find another character to reference besides the crocodile and cheshire cat? Possibly Spot the Dog? Harry Potter? Something else iconic -Sno

AMY SUTTON SECOND DRAFT

100 words second draft (press ctrl/cmd + shift + c for wordcount)

Toybox

The designer of the space station had been inspired by the writings of ancient children's books. The place was a nightmare of whirring silicon machines spliced with old flat-screens, DVD players, and other pre-offworld tech. The captain's desk was a giant paperleaf book, hologram pages flicking endlessly through dust motes in the air. A model of a giant earth cat in purples and pinks spooled pre-internet tape sadly from its mouth. Seven tiny chrome figures marched around, bleeping a toneless tune, and along the floor an enormous crocodile clacked its plastic jaws together, the vacuum extension long since fallen away.

ALEX  LYNCH FIRST DRAFT

100 words first draft (press ctrl/cmd + shift + c for wordcount)

Smile

‘Try to relax… It will be over soon’, Jeff lay back in the dentist’s chair as miniature bands were harnessed around each of his teeth as if each one was applying a parachute for the climactic leap from his gums. ‘Are you sure about this?’, Jeff asked the dentist. ‘Those teeth have got to come out and this is the most suitable procedure for such an experiment. The word ‘experiment’ echoed in Jeff’s ears as he remained almost catatonic in his horizontal state. The clamps around the teeth whirred and shook as the dentist controlled his remote, carssong it in his hands. ‘Is there risk of long-term damage’, asked Jeff. The dentist beamed his cheshire cat grin, ‘Nothing you’ll miss... Comfortable?’

Alex, your editor is:  Amy Sutton

Suggested edits:

You could start with ‘“Are you sure about this?” I asked the dentist’ and put the description of the miniature bands after that, before ‘Those teeth have got to come out’.

I like the idea of first person, it makes it more immediate and kind of more absurd.

Cut ‘as he remained almost catatonic in his horizontal state’.

Absolutely love ‘caressing it in his hands’.

Maybe - “Is there risk of long-term damage” I tried to say - something short to give us the idea of your mouth being full of weird stuff.

Don’t know if you need ‘comfortable’ at the end, the ellipsis might be enough.

For tidying up: Dialogue on new lines makes it easier to read. Not essential.

ALEX LYNCH SECOND DRAFT

100 words second draft (press ctrl/cmd + shift + c for wordcount)

SMILE

“Are you sure about this?” I asked the dentist. Miniature bands were harnessed around each of my teeth as if each one was applying a parachute for the climactic leap from my gums.

“Those teeth have got to come out and this is the best procedure for such an experiment.”

The word ‘experiment’ echoed in my ears. The clamps around my teeth whirred and shook as he controlled his remote, caressing it in his hands.

“Is there risk of long-term damage?”’, I tried to say, almost choking on my words. The dentist beamed his cheshire cat grin.

“Nothing you’ll miss…”