Party

As I snoozed, the song ended. The silence woke me. I lolled on the couch and cracked open one eye: the room, beige, orange, sepia, slid through focus. The needle ticked through static and followed over and over with a soft thud. Her corduroy hips rose and fell. Wet ash was nearby, and beneath that, a small wave of vomit pushed forward on the carpet by my ear. Then another. I need to get up, I thought, I need to go home, it’s the morning. It was only just morning. I had to drive. I was still quite drunk.

Your editor is: Tom McNally

Suggested edits:

It feels exactly like that to wake up still drunk!

You’ve got enough context clues in there that the opening line,

As I snoozed, the song ended.

Is maybe redundant, and could be combined to be a smoother

The silence woke me when the song ended

 ‘The silence woke me’ deserves pride of place

Are the corduroy hips another person or do they belong to a shapely couch?

I’m not entirely sure if the narrator is being sick or is encountering old vomit. I think I prefer the latter as the former speaks of something a bit more urgent.

100 words second draft

When the song ended, the silence woke me. I lolled on the couch and cracked open one eye: the room, beige, orange, sepia, slid through focus. The needle ticked the static and followed over and over with a soft thud.

Had she left?

Her corduroy hips rose and fell.

Wet ash was nearby, and beneath that, a small wave of someone’s vomit pushed onto the carpet by my ear. Then another. I need to get up, I thought, I need to go home, it’s the morning. It was only just morning. I had to drive. I was still quite drunk.

Title

100 words first draft (ctrl + shift + c for wordcount)

Sarah didn’t know it, but she was holding the last piece of paper in the known world.

Pulped, mashed, bleached, pressed, cut to neat angles, slowly softened over the years, corners skimmed between fingertips, some with a light layer of grease, forever marked on that last piece of paper clinging on nostalgically to a world that had forgotten what it was useful for.

Sarah held the paper between her hands, and thoughtfully tore it up before tossing it into the incinerator.

[81 words]

Your editor is: Joshua Crisp

Suggested edits: What a great opening premise!

Okay, “some with a light layer of grease” doesn't add much to this for me. I love the concept of marks from a bygone era, but maybe this could be explored more?

It’s cool that it’s destroyed, and I know you don’t have a lot of words, but you’ve got 20 more and I’d spend them on the buildup for this. Maybe get rid of the “tore it up” to give you more room here. (Changed my mind, tore it up is nice)

Explore what the paper  COULD hold. A map? A poem? A love letter? Let’s make us really want to know what it is before you take that away from us.

Can sarah read? If not, she could look at the indecipherable scribbles and wonder herself about them. Also:

incinerator is a bit impersonal and doesn’t tell us much about the world. Is she burning it for warmth in some apocalyptic hellscape? Is she frightened by the possibility of being found with such taboo material? Is paper sinful?

Just some ideas to play with - I really like the premise :)

100 words second draft

Mulch

Sarah didn’t know it, but she was holding the last piece of paper in the known world.

Pulped, mashed, bleached, pressed, cut to neat angles, slowly softened over the years, corners skimmed between fingertips, dampened and spore-ridden, forever marking that last piece of paper which clung on nostalgically to a world that had forgotten what it was useful for, and resisted attempts by the air to claim it.

Sarah held the paper, feeling the straight edges with her fingertips, and ripped it lengthways. She gave it one last glance, uncomprehending, before tossing it into the mulch.

[96 words]

War Machine

The bladed chariot thundered through the city streets. A bizarre mixture of daemon-engine and flesh-hammered steel. Spikes of hell-forged iron ruptured from every inch of the horrifying juggernaut, and the whole machine was sodden with blood. Civilians turned in wordless horror and watched as their loved ones were savagely mangled by the Chariot: Their bodies burst, their teeth splintered and their insides churned into a fine mist that slicked the nearby buildings. The enchantment on the chariot rendered screams and falling corpses utterly silent. There was only the galloping of hooves and the creaking of wheels. And piles, and piles of dead.

Your editor is:  Claudia Treacher

Suggested edits: In the second sentence, who thinks that this is bizarre? Might you pick a different word or contextualise who is interpreting it?

It’s unbelievably gruesome--very strong imagery. I didn’t immediately realise it was the enchantment that made the screams silent rather than the death. But that’s just an observation.

The last line could be tightened up for a stronger punch. Compelling and horrifying!

100 words second draft

Dark magicks made it silent. The bladed chariot thundered through the city streets. An unholy mixture of daemon-engine and flesh-hammered steel. Spikes of hell-forged iron ruptured from every inch of the horrifying juggernaut, and the whole machine was sodden with blood. Civilians watched in voiceless terror as their loved ones were savagely mangled by the Chariot: Their bodies burst, their teeth splintered and their insides churned into a fine mist that slicked the nearby buildings. The chariot’s aura of magical silence rendered screams and falling corpses utterly mute. There was only the galloping of hooves and the creaking of wheels.

Title

Anna-Marie leaned forward in her rocking chair and squinted out into the midday sun, deepening the scars on her berry-burnt face. She had felt the vibrations through her boots on the porch, heard the telltale sound, like gentle rain on a tarp, and now she could see the dust rising on the horizon.

The giant cockroaches stampeded into the valley, each rider whooping and hollering as they dragged their prize behind them, in a thick body-sized tarp.

Your editor is:  Paul Davies

Suggested edits: You’ve got more words available to bridge us from the first paragraph to the second. If you want it to be a shock, then give us an ending. Who’s in the bag? Also, either way, a title!

I like the first tarp to express the sound of the cockroaches -- vivid! -- but you use ‘tarp’ again as the very last word! Choose one.

I also like ‘berry-burnt face’.

I corrected the justification to left aligned -- I have my students flogged when they submit centre-aligned work.

(Tom: We need a page break after *every section* to stop people running over and making pagination jump!)

100 words second draft

Justice

Anna-Marie leaned forward in her rocking chair and squinted out into the midday sun, deepening the scars on her berry-burnt face. She had felt the vibrations through her boots, heard the telltale sound, like gentle rain on a tarp. Now she could see the dust rising.

The giant cockroaches stampeded into the valley, riders whooping, dragging their prize behind them. The cockroaches chittered.

Melody, her golden teeth shining, threw the squirming bodybag at Anna-Marie’s feet.

“You get the meds she stole?” the old woman asked.

Melody looked grim.

“No matter. She’ll be good food for the roaches either way.”

Title

Late night at Leicester Square / 1 Swiss Court, Leicester Square

100 words first draft (ctrl + shift + c for wordcount)

“I’ve never done this before”
“With a customer?”
“With a human”
The shopper traced a finger along the generous circumference, a full span of the arms when stood

Their scarlet cuticle unfurled and shucked to the floor

Revealed at last, they beckoned the shopper into a caress

Cool and sticky, a brown stain coming away at the touch

The mating apparatus becoming achingly turgid as they moved apart from the main body

And then a bellow from without

The other, golden in an outrageous musth

“The shoppers are mine alone, Red!”

Your editor is:  Amy Sutton

Suggested edits: Really like opening dialogue. Generous circumference of what? Not getting a clear image. Maybe that’s the point? Not clear enough who/what the second thing is. Typo? Don’t know what cuticle means, but that’s not your fault.

The mating apparatus becoming achingly turgid as ‘it’ moved apart. I know not grammatically correct, but maybe makes more sense if you don’t want to be clearer about about exactly what the shopper is mating with.

Maybe something fun to be done with the shopping scenario? A description of the shopping environment, maybe some small detail, to really pick it out.

Don’t know enough about red to know/care about gold or know what the stakes are yet.

OH! Mustache!

The shoppers are mine alone - as in, other non-shopping humans are available? Or a staking of territory which means the other is forbidden? Maybe it doesn’t matter for this. Just a question that comes into my mind.

How does the shopper feel about the reveal? What are the stakes for them?

Ohhhhhhhhh. I’m an idiot. I get what they are now. But maybe could be clearer. I think shell rather than cuticle. Maybe even sugar shell to make it very clear. Then the end works.

100 words second draft

“I’ve never done this before”
“With a customer?”
“With a human”
The shopper traced a finger along the circumference of their body, one full span of the arms

Their scarlet cuticle unfurled and shucked to the floor

They stood, flesh revealed, ready to be worshipped as the god whose image was sold on bags and merchandise during shopping hours

The shopper is pulled into a caress

Cool and tacky, brown stain coming away at the touch

The mating apparatus becoming achingly turgid

Charging down the escalator

Roaming and golden in an obvious musth

She bellowed,
“The shoppers are mine, Red!”

Post-episode draft
“I’ve never done this before”
“With a customer?”
“With a human”
The customer traced a finger along the circumference of Red’s body, one full span of the arms

Red’s sugared cuticle unfurled and shucked to the floor

They stood, flesh revealed, ready to be worshipped as the god whose image was sold on bags and merchandise during shopping hours

The customer was pulled into a caress

Cool and tacky, brown stain coming away at the touch

The mating apparatus becoming achingly turgid

Charging down the escalator

Roaming golden in an obvious musth

She bellowed,
“The shoppers are mine alone, Red!”